“Bro! Did you see that lady I was chatting up at the cafe?”
Albert stared blankly at Kirin, trying to parse his words. It was 3 p.m., and it seemed that Kirin had just came back from lunch. Two hours after the rest of the team.
Ashutosh looked over quizzically. He didn’t hear what Kirin said, but was suspicious of his energy.
Kirin noticed this and grabbed Albert’s arm. “Bro, let’s get to a meeting room. I’ve got to tell you about this. It’s too wild. Too wild!”
Albert, somewhat irritated by the excessive familiarity, and anxious about being dragged into any situation, but enjoying, somewhat, Kirin’s attention and demeanor, went along with it.
ROOM 3.705: Dutch Pancakes
Kirin closed the meeting room door then leaned back in one of the bouncy contemporary mesh office swivel chairs.
“I’m done bro. I’ve found success. I’m on the fast track bro.” Kirin paused. Albert said nothing.
“You know that woman in the cafe? In the nice clothes?”
Albert said nothing.
“Bro, get this. That woman? VP OF DATA AT PAGII bro!” Kirin put his hands on the sides of his head. “DATA, bro! That’s like the most important thing! She’s like Ashutosh’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss’s boss, bro. So senior I don’t think Ashutosh has ever even talked to her. I don’t think she even knows who he is bro. We’re like pawns to her-- less than pawns bro! But not anymore bro. Not me at least. I’m the pawn that just hit the end of the board bro. And it only took me two weeks on the team. I speedran that shit. And now I’m leveling up bro. WEEK TWO BRO. No one thought I could do it.”
Kirin was transcendentally absorbed in his soliloquy. “They were like, ‘Kirin, you can’t just charm your way to success. You have to buckle down and work hard. Growth takes time.’ Well guess what bitches? No it doesn’t. Life’s a game bro. And I got all the cheat codes.” He stretched his arms in the air and whipped around in his chair. “I’m in bro. I’m so in.”
“I don’t understand. Did she give you a promotion?”
“RELAX BRO. It’ll come. Actually she gave me something way better than a promotion. She gave me her number. Her personal number. My contact, my face, is in her phone. Kirin Varma, right next to Phillip Quagmire, Jeff Bezos, Jefferey Epstein, who knows who else is in there bro? Who knows what kind of elite circles she runs in bro?”
“I still don’t get it. So are you going to like... date her? And then ask for a promotion?”
“You can’t be so technical about it bro. You gotta go with the flow. This is just step one bro. Things are unfolding. Basically, I just gotta keep doing my thing, figure out the husband situation, if any-- and bro, these girlbosses aren’t getting married anymore, they’re freezing their eggs cause no one can meet their standards. They’re stuck waiting for the perfect specimen, and that perfect specimen is ME bro.”
“How old is she?”
Kirin ignored the question. “Isn’t that epic bro? These women liberating themselves from the constraints of time that have forced them to settle down with mid-men for millennia? She reminds me of like, Cleopatra, bro.” Kirin trailed off, absorbed by his own fantasies.
A few moments later, he came back to the present. “Anyway, what’s good with you bro?”
Albert was startled by the direct question.
“You’ve been looking depressed a.f. t.b.h. I mean since day one. Didn’t know if that’s just how you are you know? Everyone’s different. But is everything good bro? You can talk to me man, I’m here. We’re desk-mates. I mean, I know it’s only been two weeks, but that bond goes deep. Well, hopefully we’re not desk-mates for long, cause I’m about to be riding that corporate elevator. Nothing personal man. In fact, I’ll even try to put you on when I’m up there, if you’re interested. No promises though cause I don’t really know what it’s gonna be like at the top yet. But I can try for sure. Anyway bro. I thought you’d be more excited for me.”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“Nah it’s cool. But you look hella depressed. Like in general. Do you have anxiety or something?”
Albert didn’t know how to respond. He’d never been questioned in such a strangely intrusive and direct way by anyone other than his dad-- in a way that seemed both personal and impersonal at the same time.
Kirin lowered his voice. “Listen, if you do have anxiety, I do be selling that Xanax on the low. No script needed. Cheapest prices around. I mean, it’s not Xanax Xanax, but it’s just as good bro. Anyway all this Big Pharma branding shit and these ‘clinical trials’ or whatever are just a huge scam anyway. My buddy put me onto this great documentary about it. I’ll send it to you. Anyway, being passionate about public health, medical corruption, universal access and all that myself, I decided to get my shit cheap from these dudes in India-- so I can give the public better prices. It’s kind of a a service project bro. Just trying to give back to the community, you know, with all the mental health issues these days.”
“Yeah, I can tell you’ve got that anxiety bro. Normal people aren’t this quiet. Tell you what, let me hit you with a free sample.” Kirin took out a box labeled ‘Etizolam 1mg’ and gave Albert a strip of ten pills. “Pop two of these after work, and tell me it ain’t a miracle drug. You can thank me later.”
Then Kirin got up from his chair. “Anyways good talk. Now I’m gonna go rip some ping pong. Maybe hit the gelato bar. I figure there’s no point continuing my projects if I’m gonna elevate in a few weeks. Bro, you know they got glow-in-the-dark jellyfish flavor gelato here? What kind of advanced food research went into that bro? Some guy with three PhDs, cooking it up in the lab, tens of millions of dollars of research grants bro-- the smartest minds in America are on this bullshit. Glow-in-the-dark jellyfish gelato. I mean I’m not complaining. Lowkey imma try that shit. Got that curiosity you know. But at the same time I’m just like... it’s unnecessary. Some lonely lab-coat mf like ‘we must put jellyfish in the gelato. it must glow in the dark!’ That’s what loneliness does to a man I guess.” Kirin left to the gelato bar as Albert stood there staring at the pink pills of etizolam Kirin handed him.
At 6 p.m, Kirin returned from the ping pong tables sweating. The rest of the team had already left for the day. Albert was packing his bag.
“BROOOOO. Jellyfish gelato bro? Incredible. Took some pics for you bro. You wanna see? I take back the hate from earlier. Millions of dollars well spent. Glad Pagii is supporting this kind of cutting edge innovation.”