It had been five weeks since Albert had masturbated.
Thankfully, he's had a scientific breakthrough that's greatly eased the withdrawals.
Up late one night trying different binaural beats to fall asleep-- none of them working-- he discovered that he could create a similar psychological effect by opening the same porn video in two different tabs, panning the audio of one left, the other right, then staggering the times slightly. Then he went even farther by downloading the videos and mixing them in audacity, and adding reverb, vinyl effects, and white noise.
Now each individual moan and grunt washed together into a soothing ocean wave that had just enough kick to satisfy his licentious subconscious, but not enough to make him ashamed of himself.
Work was also running smoother. Andy had redirected his nagging from Albert to hounding Kirin, a strategic move on Andy's part. He had to strike new teammates while they were still fresh, submissive, and impressionable, while they could still be conditioned to respect Andy's bureaucratic facade of importance and authority.
And, thanks to his custom binaural beats, which he played always in the background, Albert was able to manage some amount of work.
That Monday Albert stared at his code editor trying to summon the mental strength to refactor his project. He pumped up the beats volume to max and closed his eyes.
A few moments later, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Kirin leaned in. Albert smashed the mute key.
"Bro, is that Savannah Styles?" Kirin unmuted Albert's laptop. Albert's was overcome with embarrassment. The sound must've leaked through his headphones.
"BRO IT IS!" Kirin laughed like a whispering hyena. Rolling back in his chair and softly hitting the desk. Tears formed in his eyes. "Bro WHAT? You're wild man. Actually wild."
Ashutosh was in a meeting and the rest of the team didn't seem to notice.
"Just a weird pop-up that came up."
"Come on bro this isn't 2005. Nobody gets pop ups like that anymore. Just admit it you're watching porn at work. Honestly, I respect the audacity."
Albert didn't know what to say.
"But come on bro Savannah Styles? In the year 2018? We have unlimited choice and you chose Savannah Styles? I'm disappointed, frankly. She's not even a good actor. Her moans are totally fake. It's basic. Front page content really. I thought you'd be into some niche, weirdo stuff tbh. Like octopi or something. You have that look in your eyes you know what I mean."
The reasons for Albert's embarrassment changed. Now he wanted to prove to Kirin that he was a connoisseur. "It was just an auto-played related video. Normally I don't--"
"Don't worry bro. I'm just playing. Everyone already knows you're jerking it at work. You just have that look in your eyes. You know what I mean."
Albert's throat felt tight.
"Relax bro it's not a big deal." Kirin patted Albert's shoulder. "It's cool with me anyway. In fact, I respect the audacity. Like, right next to the boss bro? Either you're really fucked up or... I don't even know bro, I don't have any other explanations honestly. I guess you're really fucked up. But it's cool man. Everyone's a little fucked up, you know. I mean, I personally don't do any weird shit like that, I prefer to wait until I get home you know. Out of respect for social norms and what have you. But I have my own idiosyncrasies I guess. Anyway, enjoy yourself bro. I'm not judging. I promise."
Albert stared straight ahead, feeling stiff and blank.
"Maybe cop some better headphones though. Something with less leakage. You know, for OPSEC. And a screen protector."
"Thanks for the tip."
"Anytime bro." And with that, Kirin re-donned his Bose QCs, put on No Heart by 21 Savage, and went back to work.
As Kirin worked he danced slightly, bobbing up and down, moving his arms incospicuously, mumbling lyrics.
"Young savage why you trapping so hard"
def handle(o):
"Why these mm mm cappin so hard?"
if(o.type == 'savage'):
"Why you got a 12-car garage?"
clip.empty()
Kirin caught himself and sighed.
"Bro I can't be listening to stuff with lyrics anymore. It's getting in the way of my code man. I'm typing the lyrics out." Kirin deleted the 21 savage code. "I need to get on that soft IQ boosting shit you know what I mean? The shit that makes babies smart. That complex introspective classical shit. Who writes that stuff? Bach? You have any good Bach?" Kirin turned to Albert. Albert, still listening to his binaural Savannah Styles remix looked at him blankly.
"Uh, no."
Kirin burst out laughing. "Bro, of course not. What am I thinking asking the man listening to literal sex sounds?? I thought I was crude, but this is the lowest of brows bro, for real."