meeting-molly
The next day Albert got a meeting invite from Kirin.
1:1 -- 3 P.M. -- 4.102 MOSS SUPREMACY -- PRIORITY: SEVERE
KIRIN: "Thanks for coming bro."
ALBERT: "Is this about the typescript refactor? Because I just pushed a new diff after lunch which should fix it."
KIRIN: "What? What are you even talking about? You think I give a fuck about the typescript refactor? I'm already set bro, I told you, code no longer interests me. Anyway. Listen. This is serious.
I've been thinking about you bro. Partly for my sake, you know, so that I'm not always cringing at what you're doing, but partly for your sake. I got compassion for you in my heart. I want to help you."
ALBERT: "Help me with what?"
KIRIN: "With what? Are you serious? With everything. You look ulta-depressed, totally closed-off, not enjoying life. I can barely look at you bro. You're watching porn at work. It's sad bro."
Albert said nothing.
"Have you seen those make-over shows? You know the ones where they take a guy and give him plastic surgery and force him to work out and give him new clothes or something and change his life?"
ALBERT: "No."
KIRIN: "Bro. None of them? Extreme Makeover? Queer Eye? Listen. Lesson 1, ok, you've got to start watching what normal people watch. You can't be mono-dieting hardcore porn. Start with Queer Eye, then watch Love Island. Take notes on how people talk. Put common phrases into flashcards and practice them in the mirror. It'll teach you how to talk to people. You can't just be like 'Hm.' 'No.' 'Uh.' 'I don't know.' all the time."
"When someone asks you if you have weekend plans they don't actually care what your weekend plans are. They're just trying to rally words with you, toss sounds back and forth. Don't just say 'no'. They already know you're not doing shit. Just make something up. 'I got invited to an underground mahjong game with the chaebol in K-town.'"
"But what if they find out I didn't?"
"Bro, no one cares. No one cares about what you're doing or not doing. Why would they? They just want you to stimulate them in the moment. If they call you out just say you were joking. Anyway, if you don't want to generate some interesting content, just give your normal boring response, but work on your tone and facial expression. Try to make them happy with your speech. TV should help with that. Listen, it's all vibes. Pattern matching. Type two thinking. You need to train your mind on what other people are actually doing and eventually you'll pick it up. Train on TV when you're alone but too much isn't good. Cause there are certain things you can't pick up from the screen. Stare at it too long and you'll develop bad habits. You'll overfit on visual cues and ignore other more subtle ones. And you won't train your own reactions. You'll be stuck in a monitoring mode. It won't be a two way interaction and that'll make things even weirder." Kirin began drawing diagrams and algebraic expressions on the whiteboard. "You're checking them out, you're reading them, maybe even correctly, but your face is frozen in time. There's no flow, no responsiveness, no reflex. Oh man, I can see it now... not good... yeah... let's get you talking to some real people. You see that girl over there? Molly?"
Albert looked to where Kirin was pointing and was immediately lost in Molly's physiognomy. The delicate orbital bones, the perfectly angled eyeliner wing, the aristocratic cheekbones and naturally pursed lips. Her soft but pointed jawline disclosing strength of will and intellect. His eyes darted from feature to feature, scanning erratically like she was pixels on a screen. And as he did all this, he felt growing in him the sad longing that arises when one longs for what they cannot attain.
KIRIN: "Bro. Relax. I can feel you staring. Learn to be discreet. Anyway, Molly's super nice. Out of every girl in Pagii, she might very well be the only one willing that'd be willing to be friends with you. And some feminine energy is definitely needed for your recovery process bro. Just don't mess it up by hitting on her in any way. Flirting is stage 100, alright? And you're a few years away from that. You are at stage 1. 0, even. Don't make me regret introducing you. Look her in the eyes and think normal, friendly, thoughts-- nothing sexual. Women can sense it. Make small talk. Got it?"
ALBERT: "I don't think I can."
KIRIN: "You definitely can't, but unfortunately the only way to learn is to try and fail. Now let's go."
"Yo Molly! Gelato break? Gelato break?" Kirin raised his eyebrows up and down and made finger guns at Molly.
"Please, yes, I can't do anything today." Molly looked at Albert smiling and extended her hand. "Hi, I'm Molly."
"Albert."
Molly's hand was cold like Albert's. This comforted him.
On the way up to the gelato bar, Albert walked behind the pair of them through the long hallway, then up the three flights of stairs. They formed an awkward triangle, with Albert appearing as if he were stalking the pair from behind. Kirin looked behind his shoulder at Albert and shot him glances. He tried to keep the conversation accessible, he tried to set Albert up with easy conversational lay-ups, but Albert fumbled every single one.
"Albert how's work today?"
"Good."
"Albert how was your weekend?"
"Fine."
"Albert any plans tonight?"
"No."
Fifteen minutes in, the situation was grim. Molly had begun to vaguely guilty, like she was the cause of Albert's alienation. Kirin was visibly frustrated, now shooting increasingly absurd questions at Albert.
"Albert would you rather fight thirty duck sized horses or one horse sized duck?"
"I don't know."
"Albert what's your top three favorite words?"
"Uhh, I'm not sure"
"Albert have you watched any good porn recently?"
"Not really."
Albert's eyes were fixed on the ground or off into the distance. Molly gave him a sad smile as Kirin spoke. Eventually Kirin gave up on Albert and tried to salvage the situation by having a normal conversation with Molly.
It was only when they were finished with their gelato, after almost thirty excruciating minutes, did a ray of light finally pierce Albert's dense skull.
ALBERT: "Hm. Have you guys tried Sushirito?"
Kirin was overjoyed.
KIRIN: "No! Tell us about it!"
MOLLY: "Ooooh, I've been wanting to try Sushirito for so long! But I still haven't been."
Albert strained to recall Andy's tone and voicing. "They have burrito sized sushi." He tried to pause dramatically between each word.
KIRIN: "Wow. Sounds amazing."
MOLLY: "Incredible."
Kirin silently mouthed "good work" to Albert.
After Molly left, Kirin booked another meeting room so they could debrief.
ALBERT: "That was horrible."
KIRIN: "Yeah it was horrible. But you did good at the end. You just need to get some reps in. Just give it a few months and you could very well be a somewhat acceptable person. Now, how was your mental state? Any porn thoughts?"
ALBERT: "Honestly, no, not really."
KIRIN: "Incredible. You know, there was that terrible five minute stretch where you started to dissociate and look out the window. I thought for sure you were in some grotesque fantasy."
ALBERT: "No. I was just trying to think of another restaurant to mention."
KIRIN: "Proud of you brother. Alright, listen," Kirin put his hand around Albert's shoulder. "I'm giving you another assignment: smiling at all the security guards."
Back at the NSA, John Merckenheimer watched Albert and Kirin on his surveillance monitor and smiled.
> Good work John. Introducing Kirin was an excellent decision.
What do you know about Molly? Could we set her up with Albert?
> Everything, John, besides the aura reading. Are you planning to supply Albert with the information he needs to win over this woman. It's possible, but I have ethical concerns.
Hal, we have a country to protect. If setting Albert up with Molly helps prevents a mass shooting event, it'd be unethical not to do it.
> Interesting. I'm unsure of your moral reasoning. You seem to be operating in some kind of utilitarian framework, but have you considered--
No more push back. What do you know about Molly?
John began seeding Molly's favorite content into Albert's YouTube recommendations. Albert, passive as he was, and very open to the dopamine of novelty now that it had been over two months without porn, began watching Nicolas Jaar boiler room sets, pop philosophy explainers, and A24 movie trailers.